Tag Archives: Dreams

An open letter to my husband •

05 Monday Mar 2018

Posted by in Life on Maui, Thoughts from Jenn

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Husband —

I SEE you over there.

Waiting, watching, wondering, where your wife went.

For 2 years you’ve loved me as I slowly gave myself away day after day, hour after hour, second after second. You supported every decision I made as you watched and cheered me on, helping every SINGLE step of the way. You supported me unconditionally and I have often times let you down.

I promised myself that I would always put our relationship first. That our foundation would always be my first priority and that everything else would ALWAYS come second. I’ve lost myself in Motherhood and found myself and lost myself, over and over again. Sometimes in the same day, others in the same minute. I tell myself on the daily that I’m going to do more, give more be better and day after day I fail, but there you are, loving me anyways, always helping me find my way back to you.

You love me so hard and so fierce and so unconditionally. You remind me who I am, who I want to be, and who I am working so hard to become. You continue to love me without limits or judgment or condition. You allow me to give myself to our son day after day, night after night, hour after hour without hesitation without resistance, without blame.

So my husband, my one true love, thank you. Thank you for loving me, thank you for accepting me and sticking with me. Thank for making me feel beautiful and loved and limitless. Thank you for waiting for me. For believing in me and for loving me anyways.

I SEE you. I miss you. I can’t wait to get back to me and you. You are (still) my best friend. You are (still) the one I have the most fun with. You are (still) the ONE.

I SEE you. I see us. I see all of our dreams coming true. I see our life being built. I see our son living a bright and happy future because of who we are. I see YOU.

You are my past, my present and my future. There is no me without you. There is no us, no dreams, no tomorrow. YOU are it today, tomorrow, forever.

I don’t tell you enough but I hope you never forget how proud I am of you. How proud I am to be your wife. How proud I am that you are Cash’s daddy. How proud I am for the selfless, hard working, funny, light hearted man that you are and who you are continuously trying to become for you, for me, for our son.

I hope you know that I am more IN LOVE with you today than yesterday and I know tomorrow will be even more than today until forever!

Something More

22 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by in Thoughts from Jenn

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

I had the CRAZIEST dream last night. It must have been induced from all the sugar and Pepsi I consumed from my spring break slumber party with Caylee and lack of sleep. I woke up at 4:45am to Colt’s alarm going off for the gym. I knew that since I had Caylee sleeping on the couch that I would not be working out until later in the day. I rolled over and gave Colt a squeeze knowing he would have to get himself up to go and quickly fell back to sleep.

During that last hour and a half of slumber I had the most vivid and lively dream of being in labor. The dream started with me in a large house set up as a birthing center. There were so many rooms and multiple areas. Some areas looked like a hospital and some looked like a normal house. I remember the pain of labor and walking through the house. As I walked through each room people (mostly from my past) would appear. They would tell me that they couldn’t miss the birth of my baby and that they would be waiting for me when he arrived. I remember thinking it was so strange that they would be there (some of the people I hadn’t seen or talked to in years) but as I walked the labor pains would get deeper and deeper causing me to have to stop, fall to knees and push. Every time this would happen a doctor (whom I don’t know) and Colt would be by my side. Colt would be rubbing my back with the doctor standing by. I would be talking out loud and rubbing my belly saying things like “come on come out” “why are you being so stubborn” “just come out of there” after pushing for what seemed like forever I would go back to walking (always walking into the same room with my sister sleeping on the couch).

I remember trying to wake my sister to tell her that the baby was coming and that she needed to wake up. She would then roll over and tell me that the baby was never coming out. I remember feeling so frustrated and scared thinking she may actually be right. I asked my friend Kristen (who would appear in and out as I walked into rooms) why he wouldn’t just come out. She would then fight with me that the baby was a girl not a boy (in the dream I knew it was a boy and was already using his name to talk to him) I would then continue walking until another labor pain would hit and I would again be on my knees pushing and having Colt rub my back and the doctor “standing by…”

I woke up again at 6:15am in the middle of a “push” as I heard Colt pulling in from the gym. I quickly sat up feeling extremely weird and foggy. I grabbed for my stomach and quickly realized it had only been a dream (a very real and life like dream). I just sat there feeling weirder than ever as Colt rushed in the bedroom excitingly asking me if I had ever heard the song “something more” by Sugarland. I quickly stopped him and told him that I just awoke from a dream where I was in labor with our son. He stopped as a smile quickly crossed his face and said a boy really! He then insisted that I listen to the song because he was certain that every single word had been written just for me. I smiled as I laid back down and let the words distract me from my slumber.

…The Lyrics…

Monday, hard to wake up

Fill my coffee cup, I’m out the door

Yeah, the freeway’s standing still today

It’s gonna make me late, and that’s for sure

I’m running out of gas and out of time

Never gonna make it there by nine

[Chorus:]

There’s gotta be something more

Gotta be more than this

I need a little less hard time

I need a little more bliss

I’m gonna take my chances

Taking a chance I might

Find what I’m looking for

There’s gotta be something more

Five years and there’s no doubt

That I’m burnt out, I’ve had enough

So now boss man, here’s my two weeks

I’ll make it short and sweet, so listen up

I could work my life away, but why?

I got things to do before I die

[Repeat Chorus]

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate

I believe that happiness is something we create

You best believe that I’m not gonna wait

‘Cause there’s gotta be something more

I get home 7:30, the house is dirty but it can wait

Yeah, ’cause right now I need some downtime

To drink some red wine and celebrate

Yeah, Armageddon could be knocking at my door

But I ain’t gonna answer that’s for sure

There’s gotta be something more

Gotta be more than this

I need a little less hard time

I need a little more bliss

I’m gonna take my chances

Taking a chance I might

Find what I’m looking for

There’s gotta be something more…

As the song comes to an end I am covered in goose bumps and feelings of gratitude. Seeing Colt so excited with his big smile just makes life that much more enjoyable. I roll over and text my Mom telling her about my dream and asking her to look up the meaning in her dream book. She texted me back shortly after telling me that labor in a dream means you are preparing for or laying down the ground work for a new beginning, a new creation, the start of something new or a new phase in your life. The actual “labor” is the growing pains in your life process. I smiled as I read the text prepared to start my day and thinking it couldn’t have been more on point.

Below is the you tube video of the song by Sugarland should you want to listen …and I hope you do.

Until next time stay focused, stay inspired, keep dreaming and remember that you too are the creator of your own happiness…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp5foT32tKM

~ Appreciate the Moment ~

21 Thursday Feb 2013

Posted by in Thoughts from Jenn

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

As my final day of work as a Sales & Marketing Manager approaches (tomorrow is my official last day) I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with feelings of excitement, happiness, anxiety, nervousness, and panic. Last night while laying in bed Colt rolled over happily and exclaimed  “only two days left babe.” As the statement hit my ears one half of me wanted to leap up and do backflips on the bed as this was one of the craziest most exciting decisions I have made thus far in my adult life while the other half wanted to run in the bathroom and throw up. I looked at him mute (frozen in fear) and half smiled, what was I doing?

It’s not the actual quitting of my job that freaks me out, I quit my sales and marketing job a year and a half ago with another company and not even two months later was offered this position. I know if I really wanted to I could get another job, any job, doing the same thing for another company or this company in another market, the scary part is I don’t want to. The even scarier (but exhilarating) part is the journey of recreation. The recreation to be anything I want to be, so as that realization sinks in instead of sitting here and dwelling on all the things that scare me about it (not having as much money, fear of failure, not knowing if I am making the right decision, putting all of our eggs in one basket (so not my style)) I instead decided to focus on all the things that excite me so here they are in no particular order.

What I am most looking forward to:

  • Time

I will be getting at least 4 hours of my time back per day! That’s 20 hours per week, 80 hours per month and 1,460 hours a year that were lost because I was required to work 10 hours a day (but only got paid for 8) plus another 2 hour’s for my commute (1 hour there and 1 hour back).

  • Being Colt’s Wife

Call me crazy but I am so excited to deep clean every inch of our house and my car, do our laundry, decorate and cook! I can’t wait to do all these things without half assing them because I am too tired, annoyed or don’t have the time. I look forward to learning lots of new recipes (so if you have some favorites please send them my way) and experimenting with healthy options for breakfast, lunches and dinners. I look forward to having dinner ready for my husband and spending more quality time together.

  • Eating dinner by 5pm

This alone makes me want to run and do side splits in the air. Knowing I will be able to eat dinner by 5 or 6pm on the majority of the nights is amazing. Right now I don’t get home until after 7pm so we aren’t eating dinner until 7:30 or 8pm! It sucks to eat that late and it’s totally messing with my fitness results.

  • Kailea Loves

Having more time to exercise with her, go on walks, play at the park and beach, play fetch and add to the quality of her life. I look forward to not having to leave her home alone for 8 hours a day and only getting to play with her for 3.

  • Enjoying Maui

Being able to walk down to the beach and watch a sunset with Colt, family and friends a few times a week (instead of seeing it set as I am racing the clock to get home). Being able to stop and appreciate all the beauty this island has to offer from sunrise to sunset to every beach, hike and activity in between.

  • Getting the opportunity to grow with my father in law’s business  

I have been helping my father in law with all of his Quickbooks, admin and sales stuff for the last few weeks. It is so exciting to see the incline in growth just over this last year and how much potential his company has to be very successful. I am excited be a part of it and get to help when and where I can, not to mention how inspiring it is to watch Colt’s knowledge and passion grow for the business as he continues to grow under his father.

  • Flexibility

To be and do whatever I want. To be able to visit and spend more time with family and friends. To become a personal trainer, a yoga instructor, start my own run, be a full time blogger, a professional beach bum or a Maui mama! The flexibility to try everything and anything I have ever wanted to do but never had the guts to or didn’t know how to make it happen. Speaking of which I finally (after blogging for over a year) took the plunge and became the master of my own domain which means I am now the official owner of:

http://jenniferleestewart.com

 I am very excited and look forward to taking my blogging to the next level as it is truly a passion of mine.

  • Being an overall better me

A better wife, daughter, sister, auntie, cousin, friend, partner, motivator, runner and influence. Leading by example to strengthen all my relationships and accepting people for who they are and continuing to build a foundation of strength and understanding from there.

So as I sit here smiling & focusing on all the exciting things that lie ahead my fears (even though they are trying like hell to creep in and bring me down) slowly start to fade away. I am writing myself a new life filled with simplicity, abundance, time, love, support, health, faith, family and positive prospective and I encourage you to join me on this journey and I appreciate your unconditional love along the way.

…until next time be happy for this moment, for this moment is your life…

“She took the leap and built her wings on the way down…”

12 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Thoughts from Jenn

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

It seems to me that life will mercilessly dish out moments when you feel trapped in an airless room, with a sign persistently and aggravatingly blinking EXIT over a door that’s actually a brick wall. It’s a horrible feeling and the taunting of the “non-exit” EXIT sign only makes it worse. You stop and stare as you think “there has to be another way..”

…there has to be….

Awhile back someone had asked me if I was happy with my current job situation and although I felt like I should be happy (I have a great job) I knew the answer was no but at the time I was still too paralyzed with fear to say so. Fear of regret, fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing what I wanted to do… just fear. It consumed me so I just kept on doing what I knew I no longer wanted to do.

Today is the day that all changed, it was the day I took my life back. No more doing things that I don’t want to do everyday for countless hours of my life. No more sitting in an office staring at boxes for 10 hours a day wondering what the hell I was waiting for. No more wondering what would happen if I did get the courage to quit.

I just did it, I finally quit! My last day will be in 2 weeks from today. I can’t believe I actually did it. I have a “good” job most would say a great job but for me it wasn’t about that. Over the last few months I couldn’t help but feel like I have been wasting time. What was I doing? Where was I going? What was my future with this company? The answer came up just about as clear as the blinking sign over the brick wall which is why I knew it was time for a change.

Am I scared? …shitless, but I am free and there is nothing more amazing than that. Free to be anyone I want to be. Free to recreate me. Free to be a wife, a runner, a caretaker and hopefully one day soon a mama. Free to purse goals and dreams and new opportunities that I have only ever hoped would come true. Free to enjoy simplicity and time and best of all my husband in Maui.

Today I took my life back and I feel empowered. I set the universe in motion to pursue my positive and all the things I want out of a simpler but more fulfilling lifestyle. I closed one door and can’t wait to see the new ones open. I know everyone is going to have their own opinion on me quitting my job and quite frankly you are entitled to that, however I don’t really care. My husband supports me 100% and I honestly couldn’t ask for more than that. My parents, my sister, my current boss, my current partner in sales as well as my closest friends also support my decision and are beyond happy for me and I love each of them for that — and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

It’s time…freebirding…

20130211-214417.jpg

Fairytale of a Dreamer

11 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by in The 9 month road to marrying the man of my dreams

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

A day forever etched in my brain as a real life fairytale, my real life fairytale come true. I still sometimes think about our wedding day and laugh because it so often doesn’t seem real. I have sat down so many times to write about this magically perfect day and instantly get butterflies. I feel like if I let all my feelings out that somehow I might lose some of the magic that I still feel inside, feelings that I never want to leak out of me or disappear…

The morning of my wedding started great because I was snuggled tight in bed with my big sissy and Kailea. I had my other sister Ashley on my pull out couch with my good friend & bridesmaid Deni and you could physically feel the love & excitement in the room before we even opened our eyes. Speaking of my pull out couch, let’s back up. The day prior to us getting married Friday August 24th we had a great day. We planned an amazing beach day with our entire family and friends. It was a perfect Maui day and there was so much fun and laughter. Later that afternoon I had a private manicure and pedicure session with my bestest of girls and it was more laughter and happy tears. So many memories were made in those 5 days it still brings tears of joy to my eyes. As we were getting our mani’s and pedi’s the Grand called to tell me our wedding suite was ready. Now if you know me you know that I LOVE the Grand Wailea, there standard rooms are exciting to me so I could barely believe that we would be staying in a wedding suite and when we got there it got even better. It was so beautiful I thought I would drop dead and it was only the beginning. Two bathrooms, a living room, a pull out couch, a wrap around lanai with 360 degree views of Maui and a master bedroom you would kill for in real life, it was another dream come true and it was ours.

We happily ran through the entire suite, jumped up and down and laughed uncontrollably it was really happening we were here for Colt & I’s wedding! So back to that morning, I woke up early not as early as I would have thought and I actually did sleep which I didn’t think was going to happen. It was around 5:30am and my sister was already bright eyed and bushy tailed she is such a morning person I love it. As I looked around I made a promise in that moment to not let one second of this time slip away. I stayed in bed thinking about the course of the day while my sister happily chatted about our timeline and my other sister Ashley came into bed with us. I couldn’t believe this was it, our wedding day. The course of that morning stands out to me so much the feelings, nervousness, excitement even the temperature of the room I can feel right now as I type. My senses were on overdrive and refused to miss even a second. Over those next 9 hours of us getting ready here are some of the moments that were so special to me:

Anu made breakfast for the all the girls and guys and it was so special, thoughtful and delicious

Joyce and George (my best friend Kristen’s) parents got a huge breakfast spread delivered to our suite which was perfect since at one point there ended up being 16 girls in the suite getting ready, eating and waiting. It was the sweetest surprise and added so much more love to that morning.

Watching each of the girls that are the most important to me get beautiful for our special day. At one point I remember I was pissed thinking they were giving me a run for my money, the breaks of having beautiful friends…they all looked so beautiful.

Spending a special moment with each of them to give them there presents. I got them all a bracelet from Alex and Ani. They were the same bracelet but the charm was different on each girls and representative of who they were as individuals.

My sister Ashley doing my hair and make-up. I never thought that would be such an emotional moment for me but thinking about how selfless it was of her was so touching. It was also such an honor to me because of the relationship she has with Colt. He loves and respects her so much. I can honestly say I know he thought I looked one hundred times more gorgeous because he knew his baby sister got me ready.

Having my sister and mother get me in my wedding dress. This moment was one that is burned into my brain. The emotion on each of their faces and love they projected is enough to make me burst.

Getting my flower girls ready. In that moment so many memories came over me of Khloe and Caylee and how much we have shared in these last 3 years. It was so crazy to see little ladies standing in front of me and create such a special moment with my little sister Tristyn.

Having my mother-in-law and Colt’s grandmother with us getting ready. Just seeing the love and happiness in their eyes was more than I could have ever asked for and the moments I will cherish always.

There are so many more moments from that morning that come over me as I type:

My sister Ashley swallowing my right contact lens first thing that morning and leaving me blind for the first 3 hours! I forgot my contact case and put them in a water glass in the bathroom which she of course used to drink water in the next morning. I swear there has never been even one dull moment in our relationship so I couldn’t have asked for a funnier memory on my wedding day!

Having my sister Jessica catering to my every need. I don’t think there was one minute she ever let me worry even for a second. If my facial expression changed she was by my side and ready to attack. It was so nice to not have to think or worry.

Watching my best friend Kristen’s emotions and love for me after all these years of friendship. She was my superwoman that day, my real life superwoman.

There are so many other stolen moments with so many special people I could go on for hours.

As we left the room to walk to the chapel I couldn’t believe it was happening! It was one of the only moments through the whole process where I felt like my nervous might get the best of me but then I looked up and saw my Dad. Seeing him for the first time was emotional for me and a moment I will always cherish. He of course kept me laughing and eased all my nerves. He was so strong and I needed that more than I even knew.

Over those next 15 minutes of waiting and walking I can honestly say it was the only time I truly felt like I was in a blur, a dream, like I was there but I wasn’t and then we got to the chapel doors and I saw him…

Every ounce of my being was still. My heart caught up with my brain and I was there, present and calm. I couldn’t have been more happy to marry this man.

So many special moments took place over the course of our ceremony, moments that I play over and over again in my head every day.

Moments you can only see to believe.

I hope this video of our wedding day gives you every ounce of love and happiness it gave to us and all 60 of our closest friends and family.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BrB0JVq_kE&feature=relmfu

It was a day of dreams and fairytales come true…a day of everlasting love..it was the beginning of our forever…

~ All that I’m After is a Life Full of Laughter, As Long As I’m Laughing with You ~

06 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by in The 9 month road to marrying the man of my dreams

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

I think you hit a point when all of the sudden all the stuff that stresses you out and makes you mad starts to become funny (hysterically funny) and it’s not because you don’t care anymore, but because it’s out of your control and there is nothing you can do about it. I am there; right there, smack dab in the middle of it and laughing my ass off.

It all started with the invitations. If it wasn’t one thing it was another (click here) if you haven’t read that blog yet. I was so happy when Hawaii began to recieve their invites since that situation could have been a potential nightmare. I thought we were in the clear until Thursday night when Colt came strolling into the house around 9pm. He was dog tired but he had a look of excitement on his face. He put down his work stuff and excitingly pulled out a little white piece of mail and exclaimed “we got one, our first one!” I couldn’t believe it, he was right! In his hands was our FIRST returned response card! I quickly sat up on the couch and told him to rip that sucker open! As I watched him with excitement pull out the card his expression went from excitement to confusion. I quickly asked well what? Who is? Are they coming? By the expression on his face it was obviously a shocker and I needed to know immediately. He looked at me and then back at the card and said “it’s blank” I immediately didn’t understand, what do you mean it’s blank? As he turned the card to show me I quickly realized he was right! The reply card was filled out and said they were coming and they had even picked a song (the chicken dance hahahaha) but there was no NAME on the line provided for guests. It took less than a second until I took off into hysterical laughter.

Colt doesn’t get upset about much but this situation seemed to really get under his skin which made me think it was even funnier and in turn I laughed even harder. I mean really at this point how could we be mad or even surprised?!? If anything it went perfectly with all the other hiccups that came along with the invites, (plus I had a 96% gut feeling I knew exactly whose it was).

So classic!

I was anxious all week as I waited for the invites to hit the mainland. I was hoping I didn’t just get lucky with the Hawaii ones and that I would get all of the other 40 back with the dreaded red stamp. By Thursday I was getting really nervous. I talked to Margaret around mail time and she still hadn’t received it. I promised myself I wouldn’t start panicking until at least Friday and then really freaking out on Saturday.

So when Friday rolled around I couldn’t get the invite off my mind. I was at work when the first word from California came rolling in at 11:44am via picture text message from Margie Mo saying “Happiest Aloha Friday yet!!! Ahhhh!! Happy you can stop worrying about them being returned to you!” I was so relieved! Later Ashley and Mindy messaged me saying they also received theirs. Whew… I was clear now I just needed for Reno, Florida, Massachusetts and Switzerland to get theirs too and we were good!

I got through the weekend and couldn’t be happier when Ashleigh posted on my facebook today that the invite had made it to Boston. I later got the best picture text from one of my cutest guests that Florida had also received theirs!

My beautiful cousin Giana.

Everything was working out perfectly and we couldn’t be more happy and relieved. I am so glad I didn’t listen to that awful lady at the post office and that I didn’t add a stamp or waste an additional $40.00 for nothing! I am thinking everyone should have them by the end of the week, if not please let us know.

We finally have our appointment with MaryAnn at the Grand for our food and cake tasting this Sunday at 10am. Colt is so excited and I can’t wait to finalize the details so we have a few less things to worry about. We also finalized the DJ and Photographer. We will be getting our deposits out to them by the end of March. The “BIG” to do list for wedding stuff is dwindling (photographer, videographer, DJ, place, reception, hair, make-up, food and drinks) is almost done and it feels great! We will also be talking with Tiffany this week about our honeymoon. Our top four choices right now are Thailand, Bora Bora, Maldives or Paris. Once we decide I will update our wedding website with the appropriate information for our registry. We are also finalizing details for our wedding week with activities on Thursday through Sunday, so keep checking back periodically.

We can’t wait until Sunday, I will be sure to take pictures of all the yummy-ness and fun!