You often hear people say “freedom through forgiveness” but it wasn’t until more recently that I truly understood this statement or more so felt it.

Forgiveness in its simplest form is the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven and although it sounds simple it’s incredible how hard it can truly be. I am a very black and white kind of person with very little if any grey. I have my family and friends and if we are good then we are good and if we aren’t well then we aren’t. I never was one to spend a ton of time and or energy chasing anyone my own family included. We can either work it out or we can’t and if we can’t well then at least it’s out there to figure out how to move forward and hopefully move on and if not walk away. I don’t hold grudges and I consider myself to be a good person with a good heart. If I love you I will give you my whole world but I also tend to expect that same in return which I am learning can lead to problems. I am certainly not a one way relationship kind of person, that just doesn’t work for me.

It wasn’t until I started dating Colt (aka Mr. Grey himself) that many of these “Jenn-isms” began to be brought to my attention. Kristen (my bestest friend in the entire world) has also brought them to my attention over different situations in the past but not as consistently as Colt. At first when he would bring them up I of course would get really defensive, shut down and rudely snap that this is just who I am take it or leave it. I didn’t want and or care to understand his world of grey because quite frankly I liked my black and white just fine. I was happy with who I was and even though his grey sometimes drove me nuts I let him be who he was too.

It’s funny how people teach you things without you realizing they are really teaching you. Over the last 2+ years I never realized how much “grey” Colt has taught me. Over time I would begin to listen to myself in situations or relationships and sometimes ask myself “who was this person talking?” I would often try to see my own faults, admit them, acknowledge my feelings and suggest compromise…again who was this person? I longed for black and white but instead was welcomed to the wonderful world of COMPROMISE.

Compromise or an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions is something that comes up often in my life lately. It isn’t about who’s right or wrong or if grey is better than black and white or vice versa but rather what is best for that given situation. I have had to stop and ask myself is being black and white really worth the actual fight? 80% of the time the answer is no because it seems there is always another solution. I am not saying that in any way it has been easy. The growing pains at times have been paralyzing but I will say it has been worth it.

Over these last 2+ years with Colt but more over these last 8 months Colt and I have grown not only in our own relationship but also in so many of our other relationships with family, friends and loved ones. There has been the good, the bad and the ugly but without one we wouldn’t have got to the other. We are truly different people then when we started and we are one. His hurt is my hurt, his happiness is my happiness, his dreams are my dreams and without each other nothing else makes sense. It’s a overwhelming and powerful feeling to love and be loved.

I am happier right now today in my personal life than I ever have been. I am happy with the new grey in my life and I am proud of who we are as a couple. I no longer walk around with a knot in my stomach from the could have, would have, should have but instead understand that everything happens for a reason and it is exactly what was supposed to happen at that time and in that moment. Moreover I understand that these situations don’t define you or that relationship but rather changes you and the relationship and you can either accept that or fight that, I have learned or rather I am learning to surrender. You can’t change people or situations you can only change yourself and how you view the situation so choose wisely.

We are officially 37 days, 5 hours, 21 minutes and 7 seconds away from getting married and I couldn’t be more excited. Everything else the stress, the drama and the bullshit has faded away (well almost…).

Colt Olden Stewart I can’t wait to be your wife, thank you for making me a better person and for believing in me and us every step of the way. I hope you know I love you with every ounce of my being. I hope you realize your importance to me and everyone else who has been lucky enough to know you. I appreciate and adore you without limits or restraints. My love for you grows by the second and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.